Finding My Ladybug

So since i have moved back home, i seem to have ample freetime on my hands. something i have found to use to fill those gaps in time is something i have always enjoyed but never did much while in statesboro or atlanta. rent movies. i must give credit to my sister jada and brother in law richard for piqueing my interest into movies after the interest had long been gone. they are avid movie renters. out of pure boredom i would from time to time grab one they had rented and pop it in my dvd and crawl in bed late at night. it did not take many of those bored late nights to get me looking up movies on blockbuster.com. the movies over the past few years that i saw trailers for and always wanted to see but never did. i'm kind of embarrassed at the number of movies i have seen since being back in dublin. i myself didn't realize just how many i have watched until a recent visit to movie gallery with a special person to get a few movies to curl up in bed and watch. he is not quite the movie buff i have become and it was difficult to find a new release i had not seen. as opposed to him, i would guestimate i had seen 80 percent of the new releases of the past year or so. well now i'm getting off point and rambling which i am totally guilty of frequently in my writings.

getting to the point, one of those movies i had seen the previews for while living in atlanta and had heard great things about was "under the tuscan sun." it was at the top of my must catch up and see list. i rented it sometime in early june 2004. it is an excellent movie by the way. even though i am once again deviating off point i'm going to give a brief synopsis. it is about an acclaimed writer in san fransico that had recently become divorced.

well to save me from trying to sum up the movie out of being pretty much too lazy to try to describe it, i just went to blockbuster.com and copied the following summary "A woman starts her life over with a new home in a new land in this romantic comedy drama . Frances (Diane Lane) is a writer in her mid-'30s who feels emotionally derailed after her divorce. Unhappy and unable to write, she isn't sure what to do with her life, and her best friend Patti (Sandra Oh) decides she needs some time away from her problems. With that in mind, Patti gives Frances a ticket for a two-week tour of the Tuscany region of Italy; while there, Frances finds a dilapidated old villa. Charmed by the warmth, beauty, and charm of the small town of Cortona, Frances impulsively decides to buy the villa, thinking she can fix it up herself. The home proves to be more of a handyman's special than she imagined, but as she slowly gets the hang of household maintenance, Italian style, Frances develops a new confidence as she makes friends with her neighbors and finds love with a handsome local named Marcello (Raoul Bova). Under the Tuscan Sun is loosely adapted from the memoir by Frances Mayes, who (unlike the leading character of the film) remained happily married during her sojourn in Tuscan" the only thing the summary courtesy of blockbuster left out i'd like to add that i especially thought to be comical was that it was an all gay trip of gay and lesbian couples. she was given the tickets by her best friend patti because she and her partner had to cancel because patti was too pregnant to travel.

anyway.....

what really this is all leading to is one part of the movie that i related very much too. in light of her recent divorce, frances tries very hard to find someone to love because of her lonliness and desire foor affection. she is constantly looking to meet that 'special someone.' despite her efforts she kept coming up empty handed even after she met a guy from a neighboring city and thought he was finally 'the one.' however because of schedule conflicts after their first encounter they kept being unable to meet again. frances finally decides to sporaticallly travel back to hiis townhome to profess her love only to find him seeing another woman. she returns home once again devastated. she falls into a funk and gives up on finding love. there is another american woman that she had befriended early upon moving there. this lady is quite the diva and never lacks affection from men. she runs into frances in town and frances tells her of her recent romantic downfall. the diva [i forget her name] begins to try to encourage her and tells her a story of being a small girl fascinated by lady bugs. she said she loved their beauty. she told of times she would venture into the plains in search of finding landbugs. she said she day after she would hunt for them always coming up empty handed. she became increasingly frustrated with her unsuccessful attempts until one day she stopped her search to rest and fell asleep in the field. when she woke up, she was covered in lady bugs.

this hit home with me. after coming out and living my new life as an openly gay man, i longed so very much to fall in love. out at the bars and online i was in constant relentless search of my special guy that was created especially for me. well this began in mid 2000. i dated alot. a couple times i even thought my search was over. however after a few years of this search and not coming up with what i was looking for, i kind of just stopped 'looking.' i just accepted the fact that maybe i was too picky and i couldn't do without even just one of my required ingredients in the recipe i had written for my soul mate. i had met some really great guys with much to offer a guy. however there has always been this 'thing' or that 'thing' lacking. i grew tired of the hunt and just opted to enjoy spending time with my friends and family. i would guess this began after my heart was broken in march of 2003. now in hindsight it was the best thing for the both of us. while we enjoyed each other very much the equation just didn't equal out. i realized just embracing being single and enjoying the life of a single guy was not so bad. while i had not totally given up on my dream of finding that guy that completes and totally compliments me, i was no longer on the hunt. knowing i would be moving back home at the end of 03 just reinforced my reasoning to not actively date. dublin is far from a mecca of eligible, quality gay men. however after my move i very much enjoyed the time i was spending with my family. especially my new niece kailie.

in late july i got a random message from some girl in thailand. it was for that reason alone i signed on to friendster.com. then after getting a huge giggle from the little flirtatious note from the obviously misinformed lovely lady from thailand, i just thought to randomly to do a search for the dublin area with total expectations of getting 'sorry your search has no results.' however much to my surprise there was this one profile that showed up. his picture piqued my curiousity. his eyes seemed to be looking right at me. looking at his profile and reading about him and his interests only seemed to reel me in more. he had moved here from atlanta two years ago to take a position at the local paper. i also learned that we had a few friends in common. thought to myself i had to write this guy in hopes off nothing more than gaining a new friend for some gay company in this conservative town. he had a very innocent, genuine, pure look and the friends we had in common are quality guys so i was optimistic i might find a good friend. so i sent him a short nerdy fairly generic 'hello im gay in dublin too, wanna suffer together' note. he replied and we chatted onlline the next day. we had so much in common. we had a very nice chat that went on until the early hours of the morning. my intuition told me this was a great guy and i wanted to meet him. he told me he had just recently stopped seeing someone and was on the 'rebound.' i assured him that my interests were completely plutonic and was just looking for a friend. this was on a tuesday and he was leaving to visit atlanta early friday to come back late monday. we even talked on the phone the night before he left and the conversation was very nice. we agreed to meet at the cracker barrell on tuesday when he got back.

so he called monday when he got back from atlanta and we confirmed our friendly dinner date. for some reason i was nervous. i am not a shy guy and usually don't get flustered meeting people. however when i saw him walk up in his tattered shorts, short sleeve pullover and flip flops, i became nervous and got butterflies. the conversation at dinner was nice. my expectations had been met and there was so much to exceed them. things seemed to go well. note- even though there were no romantic expectations, i knew he like the clean cut preppy fraternity guy thing and i dressed the part. complete with the old hat with the tattered bill, blue jeans, and sneakers. i still wanted him to think i was attractive. my step brother was celebrating at a restaurant near by and i very much wanted to ask him to join me. however the butterflies were still swarming and i didn't know how the invitation would be received. nevertheless i mustered up the courage to ask him to go with me. my crush had already developed so for me this was a defining moment. i asked. he said yes. i hid my enthusiasm well, i think. we joined my very loud, outspoken family and had a couple drinks. strangely i was so comfortable with him already. after that, i assumed we would exchange good byes. however to my delight he invited me to go to his office to show me the press because he had some work to finish up. we went. he gave me the tour. i just wanted to grab him and kiss him. after the tour i told him i'd better leave him to finish his work. he walked me to my car. my heart was racing. we both told the other we enjoyed the night very much. he leaned into my cars and gave me a very nice peck. i felt like a little school boy. beaming. the next day i invited him over to watch a movie. he accepted. i wanted very much to just cuddle him to death. the chemistry was as thick as molasses. we popped in this gay movie he picked out. we cautiously crawled in bed to lie next to each other to watch the movie. all i could think about was how much i wanted to just wrap myself around him. so i made the infamous casual move where you brush up next to the person in hopes that it is reciprocated. luckily for me it was. from that point on we we nestled up to one another and to this day i really couldnt tell you much about the movie besides it was about 2 italian gay guys. i was mesmorized and felt totally content. we kissed. very passionate. we looked into each others eyes and were talking wthout words. from that night on, we spent every night together until he moved back to atlanta. even in my hardest effort to not fall for this guy, i was powerless. he is everything my recipe calls for with even a few nice extras.

now i'm no stranger to this dating thing and i'm sure most reading this think it sounds a bit much a bit fast. immature even. however while i know there's no guarantee that this is my fairy tale coming true. i just have this undescribable feeling that this is the moment and guy i have longed for and searched for years for. and i found him when i was not looking at all. i have that feeling that everyone tells you you'll have when 'you just know.'

now he has moved back to atlanta the past friday. i am experiencing separation anxiety. i had already made plans to move back in august as well to go to georgia state. i'm having housing issues. my housing application has vanished. i now more than ever hope i can find a way to get up there this month. however even if i don't get to go until spring semester, i still have this gut feeling that this new found budding companionship will continue to blossom.

i took my rest in the field and fell asleep in my search for a good year. but when i woke up, boy did i find the most awesome lady bug [why couldnt it be called manbug] i could have ever hoped to find. and i wasn't even looking. some say luck. i like to call it fate. whatever you call it, i like it, i love it, and i'm wanting alot more of it.

so i hope this makes some kind of sense. i didn't have any kind of outline. just pouring out my thoughts. so where ever you are, no matter how jaded you are or how much you've given up hope, love actually is all around us. if it can find me in dublin, ga there's hope for anyone. maybe you just need to take a break and rest.

and btw he is so sexy when he plays the guitar and sings in church.

until next time. evans. out.

personal fact #4 i came out of the closet in january of 2000 a professed that i am a gay man. it was quite the event. it was a big decision but then again it really wasn't a decision. i'm am so much more happy now living the in truth as opposed to the lie that i felt like i had no choice but to live.

My letter to the local paper in good ol' conservative Dublin, GA.

this is a letter i wrote and sent in to my hometown paper. i am a very political person but have not written many letters on issues. however i was inspired by a special person to do so. it is something that my home community needs to hear. i'm kinda anxious about the reaction my hometown will have. i'm fairly well known there. it is just my hope i can just open tthe mind of a few close minded people. hoping they will try to see the issue from a different perspective. i also emaailed itt to margaret cho and she emailed me back to ask permission to post it on her web page. i think that is hellacool! you can find it and other thoughts here http://www.loveisloveislove.com/your_page.htm



Equality now un-American?

In light of this passionate political season and in the spirit of healthy debate and open dialogue, I feel compelled to express my views on an issue that has been put to the forefront of the debates, the Federal Marriage Amendment.
Social conservatives feel granting equal rights of marriage to people of the same gender is a "threat to the most fundamental institution in America." They feel it is immoral and against their core values and beliefs. I respect the idea that people are entitled to have an opinion, no matter how extreme it may be. But I too have the right to an opinion. I have values and beliefs and I happen to feel they are just as important.
I cannot for the life of me see how granting equal rights to Americans is a threat to anyone. Equality should actually be bringing a diverse America together, not wedging us apart. How can giving tax paying, law abiding people who are in a committed relationship the same rights and opportunities that our fellow heterosexual neighbors enjoy threaten families or the institution of marriage? The divorce rate is higher than ever before, and we are seeing no signs of it declining. We live in a country where we see people entering potluck marriages through a six-episode reality television show. We live in a country where a Las Vegas Elvis impersonator can marry two people who have just "fallen in love" over a game of black jack and a couple cocktails.
We are not asking you to change your beliefs or even for your blessing. We are not asking to be married in your place of worship. We are asking you to respect us for the rights we deserve because we are Americans, the same as any other citizen. The same as you.
I understand that it is human nature for us to fear the unknown, the things which we do not fully understand. On the other hand, if we are to move forward and be a nation in which people can cohabitate and interact in harmony, we must, must, must force ourselves to be open-minded to differences among us. We must be compassionate. If we fail in this, we are headed into a future America that is going to be increasingly divided. In times when others target us because of the sole fact that we are American, if we continue to be a divided people, we have much to worry about. There is strength in numbers. Right now we need that strength more than ever.
It seems most people that have a problem with this issue keep getting hung up with the term "marriage." I personally do not need a specific word to validate a relationship I am devoted to. No matter what you label a committed relationship, whatever term you chose to describe it, in the end, at the root of it, that other person that you love, that person you can know what they are thinking without them saying, that person you trust with you heart and soul, that person IS your partner in life. That one person you chose to go through the rollercoaster ride of ups and downs of life. That is all we are asking for. We want our commitment, which is the same, to be respected and honored under the law. To be able to enjoy the same privileges and gifts that comes with that level of commitment. Is that so much to ask for? Is that so terrifying? Is that SO threatening?
In Georgia the voters will soon decide whether or not we put discrimination into our state constitution. This is not an issue to be taken lightly, no matter your opinion.
If you vote in favor for this, beware. You are setting a very dangerous precedent. Our constitution should be used to grant more equality, not for taking it away. Constitutions should restrict governments, not people. Let's not forget it has not been so very long ago that people of color and women could not vote. It was not so long ago black people had to sit at the back of the bus and drink from separate water fountains. It was not so long ago that it was illegal to have an inter-racial relationship. People were even lynched for it. While this particular issue may not affect you directly, an issue in the future may arise that could hit very close to your home and family. If you are in the minority then, you will be desperately relying on the compassion of other people. Also if you support this amendment, someone reading this I can promise you will have a child or grandchild that will be harmed by it. You may think there is no way your child can be gay. Well there are millions of parents and grandparents who have thought the same thing — just ask my mom. And when that time comes when you are forced to confront that situation, will you have an answer when your child asks you "Daddy and Mommy, why don’t you think I am important? Why did you make me a second class citizen?"
I am a brother, a son, an uncle, a friend, a volunteer, a neighbor, a believer in God, and yes I am gay. However most of all I am an American by birth and no constitutional amendment can take that away from me.

personal fact #3 i love to eat whole pickles with pizza. it is stellar! try it.

Good Times, Bad Wine, A New Story

there is something to be mentioned about bad wine. it can make an evening with an old friend, sitting around drinking beringers white zin in solo plastic cups, quite the trip down memory lane. sitting outside in the humidity drenched air of middle georgia, the extra chilled wine goes down as smooth as silk. however the thing with wine, especially cheap, is that you tend to drink it in bigger glaases thus drinking more than usual in a short ammount of time. then by the time you can see the bottom of your fourth disposable picnic cup [that strangely my mom washes to reuse?] you suddenly evaluate and process just how much you drank and then you kinda look to the side and think 'whoa, man am i in trouble.' at that point most of your friend have also seen the bottoms of their 4th glasses and have had their 'whoa' moment of clarity. however by that time either you decide you've crossed the point of no return and realized no matter what that notorious 'cheap wine hangover' is at this point inevitable or you just don't give a shit and you fill up your 5th glass and carry on with the important business of retelling the same 'do you remember back when' stories you tell everytime you put old friends and alcohol together.

however those stories, which sadly i'm sure will be repeated for many years with increased exaggeration, never get old. i think your mid to late 20's is that point where you are trying to claw onto your youth but realize no matter how in style you keep your clothes or hair-do, it is slipping away and your grip is loosening. knowing this you kind of prepair yourself for that moment you lose your grip by making for an easy landing i.e. frequenting the clubs less often, not showing up as regularly to that same bar you've been going to every thursday night b/c of whatever theme it is that's given you an excuse to go out, staying home an ENTIRE weekend, becoming more serious about potential partners and romantic interests.

however around 23ish most people begin freaking out realizing time is going by with increasing speed and that 30 is just aroud the corner. but by mid to late 20's, i think people begin to embrace their age and begin to not miss those wild nights out during the week where we try to squeeze out that extra snooze on the alarm until finally you are so rushed you forget to brush your teeth, you grab a breakfast snack while flying out the door all the while straightening your clothes. lord knows i'm not missing those mornings. at ALL. instead now we use those times as tall tales between friends for the not so often weekend nights like last night, to sit around, drink cheap wine from plastic cups until your drunk again like your were at 20 and realize that 'oh, shit, we just created another story' and realize that those tates of cat poo and cotton in your mouth you had every morning you woke up late for class in college, well its waiting again for you tomorrow morning.

Good times, Bad wine, another story created

until next time. evans. out

personal fact #2 my birthday is January 30, 1978

First Impressions

so i guess i'm the next victim of the blog fascination. i have heard the word 'blog' with increasing repetition over the last year or so. a blog for john kerry, a blog for conservatives, a blog for hippies, and a blog for just someone that just wants to put their thoughts out for the world to see. well i guess i fall in the latter category. i don't have any special agenda. that may well soon change as i have an opinion on pretty much everything. and its always the right opinion i may as well go ahead and inform you. however for now, i'm just looking for a medium to put my thoughts out for those who are interested in my profound wisdom or those that are extremely bored and have luckily discovered me. i have high initial expectations for myself in this new pop craze that has been called a blog. [short for web log i was informed by the person that formally introduced me to this]

so first impressions....

people seem to place a big emphasis on first impressions. in casual settings, formal settings, politics, and well i guess in general interaction. well i'm putting my money that blogs are no exception. for that reason i spent a couple days pondering what i could tell the entire www in my intial blog that would leave a good impression and in return persuade them to continue on out of either simple curiousity, pure interest, or hope that it may get better. well i'll take either.

but how much stock should we really put in first impressions? i mean just how much can you truly tell about a person from an initial, usually brief introduction. i myself seem to think i have a supernatural power of divine intuition. so for me, i try to believe i can pretty well judge a persons character, motives, personality, and most times get a general idea of the life the person leads and has experienced. however, if i'm being truly honest, and i try to be [except when i'm playing monopoly b/c then i'll lie, manipulate, and deceive to do whatever it takes to whoop your ass] first impressions can be pretty deceiving. i kind of like chris rocks take on first impressions. he says "when you first meet someone, you aren't meeting THAT person. you are meeting their representative." besides getting extremely tickled by the comment, it kind of set in with me later. when we first meet people in a way we are meeting not the true person, but the person that they want you to see them as, their representative. i know i'm guilty. we don't say "hi, i'm john doe, alcoholic, spouse abuser, crooked politician, money embezzleing, drug addict, emotionally unstable, dead beat dad or any number of other skeletons we have locked away in the trap door in the safe under our closet. we by nature try to leave a good impression in hopes we are accepted by the person. then if we accomplish that and some type of relationships is created [intimate, friendship, casual or any combination] once the person is 'sold' we may over time reveal some things about us that we aren't comfortable with in hopes that by then the person has some type of attachment and will grant us compassion.

now do i think that is a dishonest practice? nah not really. its just our nature. if we were to spill out all of our imperfections on an initial meeting, most sane people would first wonder why they let you out of the institution and most likely second, tuck tail and haul ass. i know i would.

so having explained my take on first impressions, i'm not going to display any of my personal juicy flaws [i don't have any ;-)]. at least not just yet. however i'm sure as this progresses and you get to know me better, i'll begin to feel more comfortable revealing some of my less appealing apparel from the depts of my closet.

well i HOPE i've made at least a well enough 'first impression' that you will go ahead to the next entry or at least check back. i think i'm a pretty interesting person and have some great views on life, love, politics, morality, religion, sex [that always raises an eyebrow. is yours raised now?] all with a twisted sense of humor.

so if you have decided to continue, i'm thoroughly enthused. so grab a diet coke [ZERO calories!], a cigarette [if you like putting numerous toxins in you body], and put on you favorite playlist and start your adventure 'on the wheels of life.'

post script [p.s. for those of you that didn't know what p.s. meant even though you've put it on many letters beginning when you asked susie to be your girlfriend in grade school]

i am going to attempt to reveal a fact about me at the end of every entry. i hope there are enough unique things about me to last at least a few months. i'm gonna be extremely upset if i run out by entry number five.

Personal Fact Number 1 - I was born in Florala, Alabama. strange name you think? well it got its name b/c it lies on the florida line. 'flor' from florida, 'ala' from alabama. Flor-ala. pretty neat? i think so.

until next time. evans. out.